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Reflections
What, are they crazy?
By MARY BURRELL
Article published on Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2006 |
“This meeting is being called to order. This is the second meeting of Operation Mad Motorists. Can we have a report please?”
“Yes, sir, things are going rather smoothly since we last met. The plan to drive motorists crazy in Pinellas County continues to play out on the roadways and the byways of our fair county. People are yelling at each other constantly, and there have been flat tires, accidents and pedestrians in grave danger.”
“Very good. What are the most recent developments?”
“Unbeknownst to the motorists of Madeira Beach, the first stage of our little conspiracy went off without a hitch. We started slowly, merely closing one lane of traffic on 150th Avenue to work on utility lines.”
“Utility lines? How many times are they going to fall for that one?”
“I don’t know sir. Ha. Ha. That Beacon newspaper even put a story in the paper about it, and quoted one of our guys saying that it would not impact traffic at all ... Sir? ... Sir?”
“Oh I’m sorry, I was laughing so hard I fell on the floor. We take a two-lane roadway, a major feeder from the mid beaches, we bring it down to one lane, and we have the nerve to say it won’t impact traffic? I love it. And what else?”
“OK, get this. We have the traffic backing up on Gulf Boulevard, and then, Treasure Island closes its causeway for six months. So now, all the people that normally use the Treasure Island bridge have to either go to St. Pete Beach or – yep, you guessed it – Madeira Beach, right where our utility work is going on.”
“It’s a thing of beauty, isn’t it?”
“Yes sir. Thank you. I thought so too. And there’s more.”
“More?”
“Yes. By the end of this month, the John’s Pass Bridge will begin reconstruction, which means that one side of the bridge will be closed, and the other side used for both directions of traffic.”
“You mean all those poor slobs from Treasure Island, who are already facing the 150th Avenue backup, are now going to have to wait at John’s Pass? This is too good. I can hardly stand it.”
“There is going to be work starting on replacing the Belleair Causeway this year, too, which means that we are also having a negative impact on evacuation plans.”
“It just doesn’t get better than this.”
“Yep.”
“Man. It’s almost as enjoyable as the roadwork on Ulmerton Road, with lanes so narrow, and so close to the construction wall in the middle of the road, we’re just daring people not to get into an accident. It’s a game of chicken, every day. Not to mention all that dirt all over the place.”
“And U.S. 19 – now, we really outdid ourselves on that one. Traffic, traffic and more traffic.”
“You got that right. Or how ’bout the cracks on the brand spanking new Memorial Causeway in Clearwater – we really got them on that one, didn’t we? Or the collapse of the Lee Roy
Selmon Crosstown Expressway?”
“Nothing is better than closing down bridges, bringing traffic down to one lane ... Let’s really put the screws to them and that Pinellas Bayway replacement going, too.”
“Can we do most of the work at the height of tourist season? Please?”
“Of course! Don’t we always? Remember our motto: Drive them mad or drive them out.”
“And they say we’re stupid.”
“If they only knew.”
Mary Burrell is managing editor and editor of the Beach Beacon and Seminole Beacon.
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Article published on Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2006
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