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Driver's Seat
One-eyed jacks with an ace in the hole
By BOB DRIVER, columnist
Article published on Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2007 |
One of the most important things in life is poker. If you don’t think so, flip on your TV set to a poker channel. In the center of the table you’ll see a pile of poker chips worth more than Taiwan. Seated at the table are two players, each grim as Atlas (who, you recall, had the weight of the world on his shoulders.)
The TV narrator’s voice is hushed and tense, as if describing a local-anesthetic appendectomy being performed on the Antichrist. Shown on camera are two poker hands. One is a jack and a four. The other is a nine and a six.
The outcome of all this will determine the future of our galaxy. Or so it seems. Therefore, I gather, poker must be very important.
Or maybe not. I’ve never had the brains to do well at poker, so I can’t speak as an authority. Still, it’s plain that poker is enormous fun, and an excellent way to end up in bankruptcy court.
The game’s origins go back to Persia, by way of France and Germany. Poker showed up around New Orleans in the early 1800s, and flourished on the riverboats that plied the Mississippi (hence the term “riverboat gambler.”) .
At first, the game was played with only 20 cards, distributed among four players. Poker later expanded to 52 cards. Variations of the game were introduced by artists (“draw” poker), acclaimed lovers (“stud” poker), and survivors of barroom brawls (“one-eyed jacks.”). I’m only jesting about these names, of course. I allow myself six jests a day, plus 20 grams of fiber.
From poker’s earliest days, the most valuable asset of an expert player was a poker face. This enabled him or her to hide the fact that he possessed (A) a royal flush or (B) nothing except the title to a rusted pickup truck. Since the invention of Botox, poker faces are a dime a dozen. It’s only a matter of time until casinos ban anyone who’s had cosmetic surgery in the previous two years.
Gambling has played an important part in American history. Jamestown was one of several English colonies funded by lotteries. Richard Nixon was a superb poker player who racked up impressive winnings during his W.W. II Navy service in the Pacific. He came home with his poker stash and used it to campaign for Congress. Thus the adage, “An insight straight led to Watergate.”
I’d like to give a battery of intelligence tests to a hundred top-flight poker players and to a hundred skilled bridge players, just to see which group is smarter. I have no idea who would win, but I’d guess that both groups would be bored catatonic if forced to play the other group’s game. Bridge and poker are two different worlds. However, both have contributed many expressions to our language – ace in the hole, trumping, bluffing, upping the ante, and so on.
Cheating has long been a part of poker tradition. Cards are easily hidden, or marked with ink shadings or pin-holes. This has led to another poker custom: The discovery and prompt execution of card sharks. On riverboats, the bodies of crooked gamblers were often tossed into the Mississippi. Many of them floated down to New Orleans, where they were scooped up and recycled as voters in the next election.
Correction: In my Jan. 24 column I mistakenly wrote that Waylon Jennings is still with us. Wrong. Waylon died Feb. 13, 2002. My apologies – B.D.
Send Bob Driver an e-mail at tralee71@comcast.net.
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Article published on Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2007
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