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Driver's Seat
The gun-loving Giggies of Georgia
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Bill Kane and his family lived in a Midwest state with restrictive gun laws. One day Bill said to his wife Mitzi, “Let’s move to Georgia. They’ve got a new firearms law that will make us much safer than we are here. Most people in Georgia are allowed to own a gun and take it almost everywhere.”

Bill was 40. He had never been shot or held up at gunpoint, or otherwise been threatened by someone carrying a gun. Even so, he heard the crime reports and listened to the stories issued by the Giggies. They were the members of God Is Guns (GIG), a huge, rich and powerful gun lobby. Despite their rapidly growing influence the Giggies were scared. They warned that one day weak-kneed liberals would repeal the Second Amendment and forbid ordinary citizens from owning guns.

So Bill quit his job. He and Mitzi, with their two children, moved to Georgia. They rented a house and enrolled their kids in a high school. The school’s principal welcomed them, saying, “I carry a firearm, and so do most of my teachers, as well as the school custodian and the three security guards. To graduate, every senior must complete a sharpshooter’s program. Any student who refuses is regarded as a subversive, and must wear a red-and-black bull’s-eye on his/her clothing each day.”

The Kanes looked for a suitable church to attend. At first they could find no church of their denomination that allowed the congregation to wear guns during the services. But at last, with the help of GIG, they found a house of worship whose leaders loved guns almost as much as they loved God.

Bill went to a state office building to apply for a Georgia driver’s license. As he entered the lobby, a greeter stopped him and said, “Sir, are you carrying a firearm?” Bill said, “No. Should I have one?” The greeter said, “Well, we feel better if we can easily see a pistol on the hip of each patron. This identifies him or her as a God-fearing gun-loving citizen. Without a gun showing, the person could be a terrorist or, even worse, a left-wing, anti-gun troublemaker. Are you a member of GIG?” Bill said, “I sure am. I received my membership card just a few days ago.”

A week after moving into their new home, the Kanes were visited by the local Welcome Wagon. Two smiling ladies gave them flowers, a small cake, and a large box filled with assorted ammunition for use in handguns made by Magnum, Glock, Smith and Wesson, Colt and other major companies. One lady said, “We hope these bullets will fit your weapons. You do own a gun or two, don’t you? Most of the families in our crowd have at least five. We’re all Giggies, and proud of it.”

One night they attended their first Guns Is God meeting. They listened to a fiery speech by the local GIG chairman, Chick L. Gruber. Chick warned that although the governor and state legislature were under GIG’s thumb, the victory was far from complete. For example, he said, many Georgia police groups opposed the new guns-everywhere law. So did the Georgia Municipal Association. Chick said, “Georgia still requires every citizen to obtain a license to carry a gun. That’s wrong, my friends! That’s Communism!”

“We are surrounded by enemies of freedom,” Gruber continued. “They will not stop until all our weapons are taken from us, and we become powerless to resist the predators who will stalk our streets. But the greatest danger is not from the criminal element. A much larger threat are the richies, the filthy oligarchs. When they achieve absolute power, you and I will be unable to rise up and overthrow them. Our guns will be gone, and so will our ability to revolt, as our founding fathers did in 1776. Do we want that? Will we stand for that?”

“Hell, no!” shouted the crowd. Gruber went on to outline GIG’s nationwide plan to defeat every anti-gun political candidate in future elections. “GIG needs your help, your donations and most of all your hatred and mistrust of anyone who opposes total firearms freedom and the God-given Second Amendment. We must squash them like bugs! Are you with me?”

The cheers and applause were deafening. The Kanes were astounded. On the drive home they said little to each other. But before going to bed they shared a beer at the kitchen table. Bill reached for his wife’s hand and said, “I thought I’d feel safe here in Georgia. But somehow I don’t. How about you?”

Mitzi said, “I’m scared. Let’s go back home.” A week later, that’s what they did.

Bob Driver is a former columnist for the Clearwater Sun. His email address is tralee71@comcast.net.
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