Driver's Seat
How to be distinctive
By BOB DRIVER, columnist
| Article published on Tuesday, June 9, 2009 |
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If you’re normal (and who isn’t?) you will wish to stand out from the crowd. It’s no fun blending in with a mob. Anyone can do that. Just look at the people around you. Do you want to be just like them? Of course not, especially if you’re a day laborer in a diamond mine. Or an audience member at a women’s talk show.
But how do you become distinctive? How do you achieve that special something that sets you aside, marks you as really cool and neat-oh? That is the question. And I’m here to give you a few suggestions.
BUY A FIFE. Learn to play it. Hardly anyone knows how to play a fife. Do you know a fifer? I doubt it. Have you ever dated a fifer? Or kissed one? I’m told that fifers are really good kissers, because of the lip placement required to play the fife.
Am I saying that simply learning to play a fife will make you distinctive? No. If that were the case, the woods would be crawling with fifers, rending the air with cadenzas and counterpoints until the gates of hell shivered.
The real secret to distinction through playing the fife is this: Once you have mastered a few dozen melodies and songs, get a golden cape. Put it on. Go to a crowded public place, such as an airport or a meeting of the Indian Rocks Beach zoning appeals board.
In your loudest voice, make this announcement: “I am the way, the truth and the fife!”
Say it several times, until all eyes are upon you. Then begin to play your best piece. Give it your all. You may choose to play “Wimoweh.” Or “The Ohio State Fight Song.” It doesn’t really matter. After six minutes (or just before the security guards reach you), shout “Follow me, fellow fifers!” and then march off into the distance, playing the bejabers out of your fife and letting your golden cape swirl behind you like a candy wrapper in a windstorm.
Do this at least a dozen times within a week. I assure you that by the end of this experiment you will be known as a really distinctive person. Granted, you may be cited for disturbing the peace or being a public nuisance. But that’s a small price to pay for distinctiveness.
An added possibility: you may accidentally found a new cult. You can’t imagine how many people are standing around, hoping that someone – anyone – will cry, “Follow me! I am the way!” Toss in a fife and distinction is yours.
WALK INTO A BANK LOBBY WHILE CARRYING A SHOTGUN. The gauge doesn’t matter. A .12 gauge will do. It can be either a break-action or an over-and-under. Brand name is not important, either. A Mossberg is just as good as a Remington. Just enter the bank and stand there. Soon, someone will approach you. “What are you doing, sir?” “I am being distinctive. I want to be different. Unique.” “I see. Do you have an account here?” “Does it matter?” “Is your weapon loaded?” “I don’t know. I didn’t bother to look.” “Would you mind putting down the shotgun and lying face down on the lobby floor?” “Am I distinctive now?” “You betcha, sir.”
PRAISE IRAN AT YOUR NEXT ROTARY CLUB MEETING. Kiwanis will also do. When the chairman clinks on his glass and asks everyone to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance, get to your feet and say, “I don’t think Iran is so bad.” This will result in a moment of silence during which you can add, “After all, President Ahmadinejad is the son of a blacksmith, and a Scorpio, to boot.” A degree of confusion will ensue, during which your friends will deny they ever laid eyes on you. Don’t let that disturb you. Just join in the Pledge of Allegiance and then sit down. Enjoy your lunch and your new fame as that kook who spoke up in favor of Iran.
SAY “GUACAMOLE.” During the next year, each time you are introduced to someone new, simply utter the word “guacamole.” Don’t say how do you do, or hello. Don’t give your name. Just say “guacamole.” It won’t be long until you are regarded as one of the most distinctive persons on your block, in your social set or in your section of the mental clinic.
You may also choose to cry, “Guacamole!” while engaging in intimate relations with your wife, husband or that smoldering divorcee you met at the Rare Books Society meeting. At the very peak of your romantic interlude, moan “Guacamole!” three times in rapid order. In that instant, you will have become the only person in Pinellas County to have done this, at any time in history. And if that’s not being distinctive, I don’t know what is.
Send Bob Driver an e-mail at tralee71@comcast.net.
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Article published on Tuesday, June 9, 2009
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