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Tom Germond
Report to NASA, Flicka
By TOM GERMOND
Article published on Wednesday, June 21, 2006 |
We should clone Steven Spielberg.
Spielberg is the king of originality. I’m most impressed by his ability to craft obscure events in history into epic films, such as “Amistad” and “Schindler’s List.”
It’s a shame many of his Hollywood peers don’t have his talent or his vision.
They are Godzilla in a china shop.
And look for that to become a movie, thanks to the rulers of remake.
“The Beverly Hillbillies,” “The Flintstones,” James Bond, the “Munsters” – I’ve had enough of them. No more Poseidon misadventures or other sinking ships, either. I rather go to the dentist then see another boring boat movie.
Superman? I say let him eat kryptonite.
Now the rulers of remake are bringing us “Flicka,” another horse movie. “My Friend Flicka,” as you recall, was a 1950s television series. Even as a kid, I hated Flicka.
I probably was the first 5 year old in Wisconsin to boycott a television series; I threw marshmallows at the television set. It was that bad.
Anyway, I complained recently to my friend Pete in Kissimmee about “Flicka.” Since he’s a movie critic, I sought his opinion on the upcoming film.
“In Swedish,” Pete said, “Flicka means goes really good with potatoes and a fine Chianti.”
What’s next? “Mr. Ed meets Flicka?”
NASA selects Flicka to be the first horse to participate in the space program, but under NASA new regulations – for reasons of home security – horses have to be well-versed in English before they can board a space shuttle. So, they hire Mr. Ed to teach Flicka to talk. Along the way, Mr. Ed tries to have a clandestine relationship with Flicka, who refuses Mr. Ed’s advances, finally admitting to Mr. Ed that she is gay.
Poor Mr. Ed. He was so looking forward to having Chianti with Flicka.
OK, I’m getting carried away here – we’ve already had a Mr. Ed movie.
And I dare them to make a sequel to “Seabiscuit”; if they ever do, I’d only see it on condition that I can bring marshmallows to the theater.
Instead of the would-be censors clamoring against too much sex and violence in Hollywood, they should be going after the rulers of remake for insulting our intelligence. Remember that television series “Flipper?” They came up with a remake of that, too. And they’ll probably have more remakes: If they do this, I’m calling for a congressional inquiry.
OK, I know many of these movie remakes target younger audiences and not all sequels are stinkers. The “Godfather II,” for instance, was one of my favorites.
The only movie remake that I’ve enjoyed in the past few years was “The Ladykillers,” starring Tom Hanks as an eccentric southern professor who organizes an attempt to rob a casino while living with a suspicious old landlord. Hanks is in fine form, as usual, and the Coen Brothers, directors of “Fargo,” deliver with great dialogue in this dark comedy.
But I’ve seen a few good television series that make for a good movie. The “Honeymooners,” a 1950s comedy starring Jackie Gleason about two New York City families struggling to make ends meet, was one of television’s best.
I can’t imagine why any producer would think that he or she could make a remake of the series that would come close to being as funny as the original show.
For the record, I don’t hate horses. I just don’t want to spend any more time with them in the theater, especially Flicka.
I know where to send this movie.
With apologies to Gleason, “To the moon, Flicka.”
Tom Germond is executive editor of Tampa Bay Newspapers.
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Article published on Wednesday, June 21, 2006
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