Bob Driver is a former columnist and editorial page editor for the Clearwater Sun. Send Driver an email at tralee71@comcast.net.
It usually takes me six months to catch up with a fad. The latest one I’m lagging behind on is zombies. A friend advises me that I cannot pretend to be “with it” in our society unless I’m plugged in to the zombie culture. So here goes.
What is a zombie? I’ve known a few. They were ostensibly alive – they walked and talked, but in fact they were brain dead. One was the master at arms of the Navy ship I served on. Another was a college professor. I once dated a female zombie, but she left me because I bored her. Several of our current Congress members (from both parties) are said to be zombies. Many TV personalities (especially the meteorologists) are zombies, whose voices are actually programmed tapes controlled by off-camera producers, who are also sometimes zombies.
The only way to kill a zombie is by beheading it, shooting it in the brain or battering its skull. Keep this in mind next time someone sets you up with a blind date. Take the necessary tools with you in case things turn out badly.
The idea of zombies, or the living dead, goes back thousands of years to the epic Sumerian poem, Gilgamesh (not to be confused with Sam Gilgamesh, who played third base for the Chicago Cubs in the 1920s). Since then zombies have been mined by countless authors, filmmakers and even songwriters. The best zombie film ever made was also one of the first. “The Night of the Living Dead” was produced in 1968 on a shoestring budget. It used mostly amateur actors, and was filmed in the countryside near Butler, Pa.
Its director and moving force was George A. Romero, who went on to make other zombie movies, none of them as scary as his original. The first one was released before Hollywood’s age-ratings system was installed. The result: most of the movie’s showings were matinees displayed in front of young children who had not been forewarned of the film’s bone-chilling content. Many of those kids were so frightened they automatically turned into zombies. (That last statement is not true, but I couldn’t resist throwing it in there.)
A mainstay of the zombie legend is the zombie apocalypse that is predicted to occur one day soon. Or late. This will happen after most of the people on earth have been turned into zombies, thereby outnumbering the non-zombies, with predictable results. You’ve all heard about the Rapture that Christians look forward to? The zombie apocalypse will be called the Rupture, and you don’t want to be around when it takes place.
My zombie adviser, Andromeda Da Vinci, says no one is sure how the original zombies got that way. One theory is that the zombie virus came from outer space, infected a few people in Mississippi, and then spread into the civilized world. Another suggestion is that all humans are born with the zombie bug inside us. It lies dormant until a zombie sinks his/her teeth into us, activating the bug, something like a new credit card when you phone the number on the reverse side.
Andromeda says that zombies are attracted primarily by noise. If that’s true, several popular Pinellas County restaurants are in grave danger and don’t even know it.
I’ll believe in zombies only after Dr. Phil interviews one or two of them on his TV program. I’m told he has come close a couple of times, but has trouble finding zombies who will actually talk, or weep, or accuse their parents of ruining their lives, which is what most of Dr. Phil guests do. The only thing zombies want to do is eat people’s brains, which are in mighty short supply on most talk shows.
Are zombies entitled to collect Social Security payments? Good question. Technically a zombie is not 100 percent dead, and that fact should allow him or her to be covered by Social Security, Medicare and other programs. Of course, zombies seldom apply for food stamps, since most stores don’t sell human brain tissue, which is zombies’ sole source of protein.
Here’s a scenario for you to consider: A promoter hires a stadium and fills the playing field with zombies, vampires, rejuvenated mummies and werewolves. When the signal is given, all the creatures attack one another. Who do you think would emerge victorious? Please send your opinions to my email address (below), and I will print the results. The person sending in the most thoughtful opinion will be treated to a luncheon with Kim Kardashian, who some people think has more than a trace of zombie in her own genes.
Bob Driver is a former columnist and editorial page editor for the Clearwater Sun. Send Driver an email at tralee71@comcast.net.
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