Case in point: the Joory Channel. Its official name is Jewelry Television, on Channel 160. You should give it a try.
I call it the Joory Channel because that is how “jewelry” is pronounced by the people who narrate the information about the astounding varieties of joory shown.
Because of my ignorance of joory, most of the rings and pendants appear as gaudy junk to me. But on one recent evening, I watched the joory channel for 90 minutes. I emerged eyeball-numb but joory-smarter.
The broadcast came from somewhere in Tennessee. The dark-haired hostess and pitch-lady, name of Angela, had a twangy Laura Bush southern accent. She obviously loved joory and her job, which was to persuade viewers to call in and buy the joory items.
She does this with various tools. One is her enthusiasm. If there was one bauble that Angela disliked, I did not detect it. Typical comments were: “This offer is an absolute dream come true. You will not see a ring like this again.”
A second come-on was the miraculous price reduction each item underwent within two minutes of first being shown. A set of earrings started out at $699.99 (God forbid that thrifty viewers be shown something that costs all of $700). As I reached for my credit card, the price was lowered to $129. It was like Wal-Mart heaven. Only a moment later – you guessed it – the price was slashed to a rock-bottom $99.99.
Yet another attraction of the joory channel was its international flavor. It achieved this by mounting an inventory that was 80 percent tanzanite. As any joory buff knows, tanzanite is found in Tanzania, over there in east Africa. Angela delivered these and other exotic details so matter of factly I ended up feeling like an unlettered bumpkin for not owning 50 karats of tanzanite.
Speedy response is vital for successful Joory Channel shopping. Angela proclaimed, “We have 83 of these gorgeous tanzanite pendants available. Whoops, now we have 64 of them left. You better hurry, or – I told you so – only 23 remain.” Either Angela was lying or the joory channel possesses the fastest computer in the history of mass marketing.
Angela’s face appeared on screen for only a few seconds, but we saw a great deal of her attractive hands. My joory consultants – Liz and Annie – told me Angela was sporting a French manicure, which partially consists of long, brilliant white fingernail tips.
Would you like to work for the Joory Channel? Perhaps you can. Representatives will be coming to Tampa on a talent search. I assume requisites will be a good pair of hands, non-stop verbosity and a Gibraltar-like belief that joory is important.