Driver's Seat
Packers fan? Arrest that man
By BOB DRIVER, columnist
| Article published on Wednesday, Aug. 30, 2006 |
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It behooves today’s travelers to learn how to act and speak properly in airports and aboard airliners. If we don’t, we may find ourselves (A) pulled aside to be questioned by security officials, or (B) staring through the window of our aircraft at U.S. fighter planes escorting our flight to the nearest available landing site.
That is what happened in mid-August on a United flight from England to Washington, D.C. A distraught woman began pacing the aisles and jabbering about Pakistan, the source of many terrorist plots. The woman was soon tackled and shackled. Fighter planes were summoned. The flight was detoured to Boston.
Obviously, the first thing air travelers should do is avoid saying words that rhyme with “Pakistan.” People who support the Green Bay pro football team had better not talk about it near an airport.
“I’m a Packers fan.”
“Did he say Pakistan? Arrest that man!”
We’re lucky there’s no terrorist-based country (as far as I know) whose name rhymes with moon, June, sky, hiss, truck, heart, mother, rain, hit, clock or other common English words. We’d be afraid to speak within 500 yards of the airport.
Back in the 1970s, air travelers quickly learned not to shout, “Hi, Jack!” at a friend strolling through an airside. Today, we steer clear of asking, “Where’s Tom?” Sounds like, “Where’s the bomb?”
Airport loudspeakers urge us to report any suspicious behavior. But no one tells us exactly what such behavior is, or looks like. Is a nervous twitch suspicious? Is it suspicious to talk about arthritis on a cell-phone nonstop for 80 minutes? In Russian? What if I see someone spill coffee on a newsphoto of Dick Cheney? Is that suspicious? Treasonous? A pretty good idea? In today’s airports, I pity anyone with Tourette’s syndrome, which causes its victims to curse and make animal noises. That should keep the TSA people occupied for awhile.
Here’s an idea for a fraternity prank: find a man with a beard; put a turban around his head, to make him look like a Sikh; dress him in the orange robe of a Buddhist monk; give him a Muslim prayer rug; send him to Tampa International to chant Hare Krishna tunes in front of the El Al check-in counter. Then count the number of seconds it takes for someone to say, “Isn’t that suspicious?” As the guy is hauled away by airport police, have him scream, “Unfair! You’re profiling me!”
After the British spy ring was broken up, the NSA prohibited carry-ons consisting of pastes, creams, foams and gels. But there was not one hint of inspecting silicone or saline breast implants. Can you imagine the destruction a big-bosomed terrorist woman could inflict on an in-flight aircraft by unzipping her blouse and activating an explosive silicon-peroxide-nitrogen mix? There are men with assorted implants, as well. Equal-suspicion screening must be put in force, is what I say.
Am I exaggerating some of this? Maybe, but not much. Just think about how simple traveling was 30 years ago, and how safe we felt. Now look at how it is.
I don’t think our enemies have defeated us. Instead, what they’ve done is invade and infiltrate us. Then they’ve spread glue in sensitive areas, mostly in transportation. Unfortunately, glue can bring a nation to its knees just as effectively as bombs can. It just takes longer.
Send Bob Driver an e-mail at tralee71@comcast.net.
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Article published on Wednesday, Aug. 30, 2006
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