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Caroline Dillabough
How to talk football with the boys
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Collegiettes, it’s that time of year again. Time for some freshly pressed sundresses, tailgates with Solo cups of who knows what, and … are you ready for some football!

That’s right; football season is here. Now I know some of us equate football season with “tailgate season,” but wouldn’t it be nice if we could actually go to a Wake game and know what’s going on? Or at least be able to talk about it with your guy friends, your dad, your brother, etc.? Well it’s time to get a first class education in how to talk foodball with boys. Are you ready for some football?

Here are some easy ways to dupe every male in your life into thinking that you have miraculously become the new Erin Andrews … perfect body included (I wish).

1. The first step is to pick a player. Memorize three facts about that player.

Example: Tanner Price (Quarterback, #10) – As a true freshman (BIG word, bonus points) he played 11 games and made 9 starts.

Versus Boston College he went 18-of-30 for 191 yards and one touchdown.

He graduated high school in 2010 from Westlake High School in Austin, Texas.

Conversation with your boy/man crush goes as follows:

You: Tanner has come a long way since being a true freshman.

(In your head: I wonder if he could bench-press me …).

Boy/man: Yeah, I can’t believe he wasn’t red shirted.

You: Well he only went 18-of-30 last week versus BC; he better step it up this next game.

(In your head: Could his eyes be anymore blue?)

Boy/man: Wow, I can’t believe you knew that statistic (Boy/man swoons and you are together forever).

2. Finally, here are some phrases that will make it seem like you’ve been watching football since you were a little girl. Barbie doll in one hand, football in the other.

Situation: Fourth down and Wake punts (kicks) the ball to the other team.

Response: “We have really got to start converting on third down.” Or “We’ve got to start moving the chains.”

This will always get the appropriate head nod from males. Converting on third downs means 10 more yards, which means an opportunity to score – a good thing!

Situation: The quarterback (guy throwing the ball) makes a big throw and the receiver (guy catching the ball) drops it.

Response: Yell, “Pass interference. Come on ref, you’re blind!”

Blaming the referee pretty much ensures you a high five.

Situation: The other team (LMU) runs the ball for a big gain.

Response: “Did we forget how to tackle!?”

Situation: If you feel like generally the Deacs are not bringing their “A” game.

Response: “What are we doing out there? Come on!”

Situation: The game goes into overtime.

Response: “At least college isn’t sudden death like the NFL, right!”

If they ask for further explanation, just look quizzically at them and say “you don’t already know?” Then give a look back at the game like you cannot be bothered to explain.

The key to all of this is finding an exit strategy! Always have the phone ready with an important Insta you just have to finish or a snap chat masterpiece that cannot be replicated.

So there you have it, collegiettes; an introductory and easily memorable guide to speaking the lingo with boys. So next home game, instead of hiking to Elizabeth’s or Putter’s before kickoff, stick it out and fake it ’til you make it!

Caroline Dillabough is a senior at Wake Forest University, Winston-Salem, N.C.
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