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Driver's Seat
What’s happening?
By BOB DRIVER, columnist
Article published on Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2006 |
Columnists often find themselves stuck for a topic to write about. Conversationalists sometimes grope for something to discuss.
The solution to both these problems: just stay awake, read a daily and weekly newspaper, turn on your TV set, and browse the Internet on your computer. You will find yourself floating on a sea of topics.
I’m writing this on Sept. 21, a Thursday. Current worthwhile topics include these:
The head of the Roman Catholic Church is in a cat fight with angry Muslims. Two major religions at war with each other? Sounds about normal.
Contaminated spinach from California has killed at least one person and scared the bejabers out of millions of others. Broccoli suddenly seems appealing.
In New York City, President Bush has spoken to U.N. representatives from 150 nations, most of whom loathe the U.S.A. but who gladly come to UN offices in Manhattan to enjoy our food, women and entertainment while cursing our way of life.
From the same podium, the president of Venezuela has called George Bush the devil, and the president of Iran has scolded us for not being more like Muslims.
Throughout our land, tax-free religious groups are mocking the U.S. Constitution by entering partisan politics.
In Spain, the government has banned too-skinny models from taking part in fashion week.
In Clearwater, city officials have scheduled $450,000 worth of improvements to Countryside Community Park without really knowing where the money is coming from. This is known as faith-based budgeting.
Throughout the world, millions have been mourning the sudden but unsurprising death of a brave, stupid crocodile hunter as if he were a new Messiah.
Intersexual fish have become common in the Potomac River near Washington, D.C. Most male bass in that region now carry female eggs. We’re waiting for Jerry Falwell to announce whose sins have caused God to use the fish as a warning to us all.
Ironic, reverse arithmetic: the number of “United We Stand” and “Support Our Troops” bumper stickers declines, as the number of slain U.S. troops in the Mideast grows.
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has said that Puerto Rican and Cuban people are “very hot” because of the combined black and Latino blood that flows in their veins. This follows another report that most former Austrian body-builders have brain tissue that is 94 percent glue.
In Indian Rocks Beach, the mayor recently suggested that Gov. Jeb Bush be called in to help settle the city’s budget problems. Maybe while Jeb is here he also can polish the mirrors in the city hall restrooms.
On CNN an excitable, hard-to-classify public affairs commentator, Glen Beck, is winning friends and ruffling feathers with his nightly reviews about our crazy cosmos. Beck, who used to work at WFLA in Tampa, is a combination of Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly, minus the knee-jerk predictability of those two pundits.
Outside of the above-listed subjects, there’s not much to write about.
Send Bob Driver an e-mail at tralee71@comcast.net.
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Article published on Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2006
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