Bob Driver is a former columnist and editorial page editor for the Clearwater Sun. Send Driver an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
You’d think by now we’d know everything worth knowing about both presidential candidates. But we don’t.
As with all previous contenders for the White House, neither Obama nor Romney have stated their policies on dogs. Oh, sure, we’ve been told that Mitt Romney put a dog on the roof of his car and drove away with it. Beyond that, however, we know nothing. Does either candidate favor laws that would advance the wellbeing of dogs? In the Obamacare package, is there a single word about Medicare for old dogs?
Same thing for cats. In one-third of America’s homes, there is a cat. Many of these cat owners will vote on Nov. 6. But have you heard a single reference by Barack and Mitt about their love for kitties? How can any intelligent politician allow all those potential voters not to be pandered to?
The list goes on. For example, does either candidate enjoy eating peanut butter and pickle sandwiches? That may sound weird, but it’s not. I have eaten pb&p sandwiches all my life, and I would vote for anyone who also likes them. Remember how Dick Nixon loved cottage cheese with ketchup? Do you know that in the 1972 election, Nixon received the votes of 133,453 people who also believed in putting ketchup on cottage cheese?
Another issue that has gone untouched is the candidates’ views on women who wear dark stockings when they dress up. I’m wild about women in dark silk stockings, even if they (the women) are wearing flour-sack blouses. I have learned not to trust men who dislike seeing dark-stockinged women. They (such men) are usually embezzlers or chicken thieves. Don’t ask me how I know. Just trust me.
So far, neither candidate has promised to rein in TV commercials. I would gladly give money, time and/or blood to any politician who took a stand against TV commercial breaks that last more than three minutes. Or any half-hour program that allowed more than six total minutes of advertising. I’m sure that millions of Americans feel, as I do, that the advertising industry is ruining our country. But do the candidates say a word about advertising? Never.
When Romney and Obama shave, do they use a safety razor or an electric razor? Does either man lather up with a shaving brush? When they bang their shin against an open dresser drawer, do they say, “Oh, sugar!” or something stronger? You may say, “What does knowing such things have to do with running the country?” The answer: nothing. But it helps us identify who the guy is and what he’s like. Unfortunately, the media often won’t tell us, or even try to find out.
Does either candidate know the last three verses of “The Star-Spangled Banner”? If so, why don’t they quote from them? The lyrics are stirring, noble, uplifting. How can a candidate go wrong by referring to his country’s national anthem”
The candidates seem equally scornful of the Scottish vote potential. They will cozy up to Jewish voters, to the Italians, Irish, Polish, gay, transvestite and freckled communities, but America’s Scots will burn in hell before Obama and Romney say a word in their behalf. That is a scandal and a shame.
I believe the voters of Dunedin could very well determine who wins the Nov. 6 balloting. Dunedin (pop. 35,000) is loaded with people of Scottish ancestry. You can tell that by looking at the city’s beautiful women and by viewing the medical reports of oafs who foolishly challenge Scottish men to fist fights in neighborhood bars. In 2000 the national election results were kicked into a cocked hat by a few thousand Florida voters. Recent polls show that could happen again. That’s how tight the competition is. But will Obama or Romney quote two lines from Bobbie Burns’ poetry, or recall the contributions of Andrew Carnegie and other Scots who helped build our nation? Not in a pig’s eye will they. If I were Barack or Mitt, I’d wear a kilt to at least half of my public appearances.
The list goes on forever of important issues the two candidates refuse to address. Skateboarding in public is one of them. Throughout the USA are persons (mostly young and male) who insist on speeding along sidewalks and mall areas on skateboards, threatening the health and safety of innocent civilians. Many cities prohibit skateboarding; others permit it. It has long been a bone of contention in American civic life. What did the signers of the U.S. Constitution think about skateboarding? Should this questionable “sport” be regarded as essential to the pursuit of happiness? Why won’t Obama and Romney give us their views, and take a firm stand on this issue? Because they are wimps. And you can tell them both I said so.
Bob Driver is a former columnist and editorial page editor for the Clearwater Sun. Send him an email at email@example.com.