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From what I hear, the federal government watchdogs have decided to admit that Unidentified Flying Objects (UFOs) may actually exist. To which earthlings living as far back as 12,000 years ago would reply, “Well, it’s about time.”

UFO sightings tend to be similar. They consist of flying objects that move through the sky faster than any earthlings can match or barely imagine. Most of the sightings occur at night. They usually don’t last long. They have been reported over most of our globe, with concentrations off the coast of Baja California and a few other areas.

And so forth. You probably know all about UFOs by now, thanks to the 3,122 books, movies and magazine articles about UFOs that have appeared ever since Nostradamus was a pup. A common feature of these productions has been the notion that we should fear UFOs. After all, as Freud or Socrates might have said, “If you don’t know all the facts about something, you durn well oughta be skeered, dag nammit!”

Baloney. Instead, I think we should welcome UFOs, especially right now in the USA as another presidential election campaign is underway. What a relief the arrival of a squadron of UFOs would be. I’d gladly give my left auricle to see a nightly newscast that featured a space vehicle on the White House lawn instead of Donald Trump shaking hands with the visiting president of Upper Maggladingdong.

If anything, it’s the UFOs who should be scared spitless of Earth and its inhabitants. Look at the way UFOs behave: they come here for maybe 40 seconds, suddenly realize they’re being watched, and then they zoom out of sight at 20,000 mph.

And why? They take one look at our beautiful planet, then come in for a closer inspection. And what do they see? Melting glaciers, oceans deep in plastic garbage, enemy nations threatening nuclear attacks, religions condemning each other, rich people letting poor people starve — the list goes on and on. If you were the commander of a UFO, would you choose to land on earth?

But I could be wrong. What may cause UFOs to be so standoffish is boredom. They may not believe earth is worth investigating. Their spies have learned that life first appeared on earth about 9 billion years ago.

But during all that time, what have humans invented or learned? Answer: many things, including those of value. But have we learned how to get along with each other? After centuries of trying, have we found a cure for shingles, or the gas attacks from eating too many fajitas? Answer: no.

Therefore, the UFO conclusion can be summed up in only three UFO words: “!^xlo&& Uklo Fin(% Dingl==+”. Translated — “Why bother with these earthling clods?”

But what if we finally achieve a cosmic handshake with UFO travelers and learn that they are even wiser than the creatures shown in Star Wars and other fictitious narratives. Can you imagine the shock we’ll feel if we learn that, for example, the UFOffies do not believe in any form of religion?

We will ask them “How could you exist without God, Jehovah, Allah, etc., to explain the universe and all this other stuff?” The UFOffies will study the earth’s theologies and then ask us, “How can you believe all that fabricated, competitive claptrap? Can’t you guys just accept each other as equals, and get along?”

But I could be wrong. At any rate, I look forward to the day when the UFOs become IFOs (Identified Flying Objects) that land on whatever is left of earth, and then teach us how to roll back the devastation we earthlings have allowed to happen. Perhaps we’ll all wear bright green caps that say, “Make Earth Great Again!” That’s my dream for this week. What’s yours, Faithful Readers?

Bob Driver’s email address is